the phantom diarrhea

One of the guide books I read before coming here (can’t remember if it was American or English) advised against trying to avoid diarrhea.

There’s a clearer way to say that.

Maybe not; the author just says you’re going to get diarrhea, so don’t flip out trying to avoid it. Be smart; ask for bottled water, avoid fresh fruits and veggies rinsed in tap water and…I forget the rest. don’t lick the sidewalk. But don’t bother too much because it’s going to happen.

So I resigned myself to a couple of weeks of diarrhea. In fact i was looking forward to it. Not the diarrhea, but the IRON GUT my friend promised i would earn by being sick and having diarrhea for an extended period of time. 

Here’s her logic: Americans aren’t used to real whole food, which has like, organisms in it. Ergo, once we eat real food with organisms, our bodies flip out a little and protest with some diarrhea, But then after a while they don’t want to fight anymore, so they develop an IRON GUT that can handle everything thereafter. That’s what happens.

Wait, she also said that in the US everything we eat is made out of pesticides and corn. So when we leave the US and start eating stuff that’s not corn or pesticides we get diarrhea. But then when we keep eating the non-corn-non-pesticides, our bodies change and become better. That’s what happens.

Or something.

So anyway that all sounded pretty reasonable and I was looking forward to earning my IRON GUT. In fact I went a little crazy you could say, eating fresh fruit for breakfast (it’s so delicious here), accepting drinks with ice in them (the book advised asking if the cubes come from bottled water, but I didn’t want to look like a douche. Plus I don’t speak Portuguese), singing in the shower, and other unconscionably brave stuff.

I even had my first blog post title ready: “PAPAYARRHEA: WORTH IT.”

But you know what? Three days in and still no diarrhea. In fact I feel fine. Great. Montezuma tried me and failed. We were like Harry and Voldemort, and now that I think of it he's probably enraged by my victory. 

And not to be a jerk, but he'll probably take it out on one of you. I know I should feel guilty about this, but i'm too busy not having diarrhea to feel anything other than the comfort of not having diarrhea. HAZZAH.

I am sad though about losing the dream of the IRON GUT. I was so ready for that. after all these years of motion sickness and food allergies and being a pale and queasy weenieface, I was so ready.

...and maybe it’s this longing that has made me start to wonder if diarrhea is simply in the early stalking stages. I keep seeing shadows as i turn corners. 

Maybe Diarrhea is watching me, gathering information so it can sneak up at the worst time (or the funniest, depending on its real goals).

I think if diarrhea was a real villain in a real book it would definitely be a dude, and would look like Julian Carax in The Shadow of the Wind. Wait, if you haven’t read that book delete what you just read from your mind. And if you have, you know what i’m talking about.

Or Zorro. Or the bad guy in Roger Rabbit. Good god that’s IT. The evil guy who burns cartoons into liquid in a big canister. 

Wow, we watched some seriously f-ed up shiz in our childhood day.

OK I promise the next thing I write will be insightful and about Brazil.