não falo

I keep thinking I should know more Portuguese by now. 

We got here in early May and I still haven’t set up my voicemail because I have no idea what the shit the automated prompter is saying. 

I’m really good at saying ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘Thank you’ and ‘I don’t speak Portuguese’ and ‘I have three dogs.’ Which is kind of enough to get by. If you’re as good as I am at gesticulating.

The lessons are wonderful and terrible at the same time - I love the Portuguese tutor a lot when he’s telling me about cool places to visit and Brazilian music to check out. The problem is that when he starts telling me to do homework or repeat sentences after him I fantasize about keying his car and hiding slugs and turds in his desk.

This is of course unreasonable because he doesn’t have a car and our lessons are usually at a Starbucks in Itaim Bibi. If he has a desk I don’t know where it is and I’ve never seen it. But I can’t help it. Learning stuff makes me feel like a restless teenager again. I keep thinking I’m angry at my mom and I haven’t spoken to her in weeks.

Also, it’s physically hard. Not just sitting still and nodding a lot, but trying to make sounds I’ve never made before, at least not in a row. I keep thinking Brazilian peoples' tongues must look like those flippy little boneless dudes in Cirque du Soleil. It took me maybe an hour to be able to say ‘qual e o seu nome’ (what is your name) because it’s like: ‘kwow-ay-oh say-oh gnome-ee’ --but fast. My lips are not used to so much rapid scrunching. It feels like doing kegels with my mouth. I’m sure it’s worth it, but for now: tedious.

There are wonderful moments though, like learning that the name Ruth in Portuguese is spelled ‘Rute’ and pronounced ‘Hooch.’ In fact, why don’t I just stop yammering and end this post with a list of my favorite Portuguese words:

anos (years)

apenas (only)

pagina (page)

pergunte (ask)

canta (sing) <-- pronounced ‘cunta’

assado (roasted)

suco (juice)